In California, the fire ant population has risen greatly. It went from 33 billion to 3.33 quadrillion over thirty-three months. This has caused many Californians the pain of itchy fire ant bites, sometimes causing death. The cause of the spread of this ant population is still unknown, but Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has issued an order to kill as many fire ants as people can see.
Dr. Mark Johnson, a veterinarian from Mexico, has offered tips to killing fire ants. “To kill fire ants,” he says, “what you have to do is make a flame thrower, or use water, but the flamethrower sounds better. Get exactly thirty-three liters of water for every three ants you need to drown. Ants also hate music or noises. You should find some really bad music for them; I suggest you download thirty-three Dragonforce songs. Don’t buy them though, that would be a waste of thirty-three dollars. All you have to do is get your ipod and throw it into the swarm of fire ants.. DON’T GET TO NEAR THEM OR YOU WILL DIE.. So just throw your ipod at them.”
The rising fire ant population has also forced many tourists to not come to California; they are afraid of being bitten by thirty-three fire ants at the same time. This has caused the state economy to go bad, and people are also choosing not to see how beautiful of a place California is.
Sergeant Manly Powers of the Unites States Marine Corps, also adds advice: “Don’t use the flame thrower method unless you are a highly trained military sergeant, like I am. Ok, well please take the time to kill these things before we all die from there acid-like poison. Nobody really knows why they are so damn annoying to have around you when all they do is bite you and practically take your virginity away.”
California wants its citizens to kill 333 ants every three months. Californians will be awarded $333 in tax money for doing this, with proof of the dead fire ants. However, not doing so would place them at risk of being sent to three day slow, painful death sentence.
-Marino Younan

